Fresh Starts and Second Chances
I heard from so many folks after my last post and I want to thank you all for sending out the love. Something that kept coming up in your kind responses was my bravery and courage.
But kids, I’m not brave and I’m not courageous—not now and not back then. I’m afraid of driving on the freeway, flying in planes, bears (if I’m camping), those big spiders that show up in my bathroom, deep water, high places, dark corners….I could go on.
So it wasn’t that I was brave when I left. It was that I recognized I had no control of the situation. I couldn’t control it because I couldn’t change him. I could only control me. I could only change my own actions.
That sounds self-evident but it wasn’t. And while that time in my life is long over, I don’t regret those years at all. I learned so much and so many good things came from it and still do.
In my past life, I was a believer in never giving up or quitting on anything or anyone so I’ve stayed too long at the fair in all kinds of situations. I know I’m not alone.
I think part of why we stay in bad relationships, bad jobs, bad anything has to do with what we believe about quitting; even quitting something that’s harmful to us.
We don’t want to think of ourselves as quitters. The word itself has such negative connotations maybe because we’ve watched too many made for TV movies where the hero or heroine perseveres through a tough situation and gets what they were after. So what does it say about us when we quit something? What do we believe about quitting then?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for tenacity and perseverance. I’m all for sticking with the promises we make to ourselves about our own behavior. I’m all for doing hard things that challenge us to be who we want to be in the world. I’m all for showing up for the people, places and things that matter. But not at the expense of my physical or mental health or safety. Not anymore. Not ever again.
Sometimes that means walking away from a situation or a relationship that I can’t change or control because I can’t change or control other people. I am only the boss of me. I get into trouble when I start thinking otherwise.
But as the boss of me, I’m in charge of what I’m doing with my life and who and what I’m spending my time with and on. I’m also in charge of my thoughts, actions and perceptions. I’m not always a good boss. In fact, sometimes, I kind of suck. I take on something I can’t handle; I fail to say no; I’m super stubborn but because I’m in charge I can do it different tomorrow. I can listen to my boss self and I can respond to the world as it is, not as I wish it would be.
They say nothing changes if nothing changes. Sometimes we have to let go of one thing to get to the next place in our lives. I don’t think of that as quitting; I think of it as the acceptance of reality.
If we’re lucky enough to wake up in the morning we have the chance to make different choices about how to live in this world.
They say if you keep on doing what you’ve always done you’ll keep on getting what you always got. It might be a small thing you change but that small thing might change your whole life in amazing and unexpected ways.
Kim Rosenberg loretta.kim.rosenberg@gmail.com
